Burden

It's been quite some time since I've blogged. In the middle, I doubted the benefits of blogging, but eventually here I am, succumbing to this level, using this avenue to release my frustrations. I choose to believe that what I'm doing now is a form of exercising self-awareness. Rather than rant about feelings, thoughts or whatever relentlessly, I'll go deeper into myself, lest those who reads it renders me as shallow and I've just grown to like this exercise with the bunch of free time I have in my hands.

I've gone through quite alot for the period between my last post and this post that I'm writing right now. Briefly,

1. broke up with my girlfriend
2. ups and downs during the LA trip
3. ups and downs after the LA trip

1. For a starter, breaking up with her leaves an uncanny taste in my mouth, strong at first, then turning milder, but lingers in my mouth for a long time to come. The taste is still my mouth, hard to swallow but I have to. Like anaesthetic, my tongue became numb, unwilling to try anymore at least for now; either that or I've gotten used to this unique taste and have already taken it for granted. She left slowly but assuredly, I mentally calculated in my head the probability of getting back together, and came to a conclusion that I would have a higher probability of finding someone new to be with. However, the heart dictates my actions, unwilling to let it go, locking heavy chains to my feet. Every dragging of the chains amplifies every scratch of my heart, it bleeds, then clots up, then bleeds again for some of the nights. This has caused me uneasiness, so much so that I lay awake some nights refusing to close my eyes for fear that I may lose the flashback of those wonderful memories and the 'what ifs' that I thought might change what had became of us now.

She dont seem to regret or be in the least nolstagic of the whole affair, she dont even seem to look back. It's dark humor that only amuses me, chuckling at how unpredictable circumstances can be in the period of months. We both loved, cuddled, hugged, kissed, looked into each other's eyes. What's constant in the previous line can only be -ed and not those verbs. She loved me and I loved her.

I'm not the perfect guy, with the perfect smile, and of course not the guy with the perfect face. But if she who sees my imperfections and embraces them, then I should also look at imperfections and accept them. What's more important are usually buried deep down in our hearts that rarely surfaces, only to a few people in our lifetimes. Therefore a woman supercedes a lady superceding a girl.

2. In this trip, knowing somebody and staying together with that person can be miles wide of your perception. This can be applied to couples getting married too. In LA, I felt obliged at times, compromised much, but a sense of relief that it's for a few days only. Incidents that caused unhappiness, beyond my control, out of my influence. Relationships between people can be so complex, and I've been trying my best to maintain at least a cordial one, by remembering what makes who ticks. I can only suppress myself to do this, in order to get ahead.

However I found friends, nice friends with the potential to be even better friends in due time. During the extension of the trip, I had so much fun, simply liberating, opened up my thinking to much extent. The sense of liberation that I got can never be explained with being in Singapore. The world seems so much bigger now and so are my ambitions. The scope of which i worked on my goals became the world instead of the tiny, not yet pathetic red dot.

3. After the trip, between ourselves because of the experience together in the trip, all of us felt different towards each other. I just want to mention a particular person to get it off my chest. She's changed alot, from the time I knew her till now. She's turned bad, rotten on some parts, turned real ugly with the grumpiness. The size says it all, narrow on the inside and quite dirty too. Yucks! But let me play a game with her, and it begins now...