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Mixed-up Feelings

I saw her, she's changed, i mean the dressing. No skirts yet, but blouse over jeans now, wears a vest or a hoodie.

I saw her, alone in the library, doing her own stuff. I went over to talk to her for awhile.

I saw her, locking arms with someone. He's like a brother to her, but the gesture, it just puts me off.

I saw and I saw and I saw...

I saw couples everywhere, anywhere, at anytime of the day. In the train, in school, while I'm downstairs of my house, outside, in church. Hugging together, holding hands, laughing together, talking to each other. The fixation into each person's eyes.

Then I had a dream, I was with her, the times we held hands, the times we were kissing, the times we were loitering downstairs of her house, the times we were outside on a date, the times we went to the movies, the times we went to eat out. Then the times I lost my temper at her, then The Time she broke up with me, the times I cried. Then I woke up.

I talked to friends, the topic of having a girlfriend just pops up. I laughed at it. Homework, assignments pouring in. I felt stressed up. I need to cry over it, but I cant, it would signal a sign of weakness if anyone sees it. I need to talk to someone about it. I cant talk to my parents (not close enough, it would seem weird), or a guy friend about it (pride, seemed too gay), or a girl friend (not my girlfriend, and she probably wont know how I feel and would not be dat interested to lend a listening ear, plus she might think I'm weird). Here I am, writing about it.

I need someone to pour out love abundantly, to share my thoughts with, to share my burdens, to share my happiness, to spend my money on, to satisfy my sexual urge for the opposite sex.

I need a girlfriend who will not disappoint me in the end but marry me and walk with me through the rest of my life.

Samba music fused into "881" the movie

Burden

It's been quite some time since I've blogged. In the middle, I doubted the benefits of blogging, but eventually here I am, succumbing to this level, using this avenue to release my frustrations. I choose to believe that what I'm doing now is a form of exercising self-awareness. Rather than rant about feelings, thoughts or whatever relentlessly, I'll go deeper into myself, lest those who reads it renders me as shallow and I've just grown to like this exercise with the bunch of free time I have in my hands.

I've gone through quite alot for the period between my last post and this post that I'm writing right now. Briefly,

1. broke up with my girlfriend
2. ups and downs during the LA trip
3. ups and downs after the LA trip

1. For a starter, breaking up with her leaves an uncanny taste in my mouth, strong at first, then turning milder, but lingers in my mouth for a long time to come. The taste is still my mouth, hard to swallow but I have to. Like anaesthetic, my tongue became numb, unwilling to try anymore at least for now; either that or I've gotten used to this unique taste and have already taken it for granted. She left slowly but assuredly, I mentally calculated in my head the probability of getting back together, and came to a conclusion that I would have a higher probability of finding someone new to be with. However, the heart dictates my actions, unwilling to let it go, locking heavy chains to my feet. Every dragging of the chains amplifies every scratch of my heart, it bleeds, then clots up, then bleeds again for some of the nights. This has caused me uneasiness, so much so that I lay awake some nights refusing to close my eyes for fear that I may lose the flashback of those wonderful memories and the 'what ifs' that I thought might change what had became of us now.

She dont seem to regret or be in the least nolstagic of the whole affair, she dont even seem to look back. It's dark humor that only amuses me, chuckling at how unpredictable circumstances can be in the period of months. We both loved, cuddled, hugged, kissed, looked into each other's eyes. What's constant in the previous line can only be -ed and not those verbs. She loved me and I loved her.

I'm not the perfect guy, with the perfect smile, and of course not the guy with the perfect face. But if she who sees my imperfections and embraces them, then I should also look at imperfections and accept them. What's more important are usually buried deep down in our hearts that rarely surfaces, only to a few people in our lifetimes. Therefore a woman supercedes a lady superceding a girl.

2. In this trip, knowing somebody and staying together with that person can be miles wide of your perception. This can be applied to couples getting married too. In LA, I felt obliged at times, compromised much, but a sense of relief that it's for a few days only. Incidents that caused unhappiness, beyond my control, out of my influence. Relationships between people can be so complex, and I've been trying my best to maintain at least a cordial one, by remembering what makes who ticks. I can only suppress myself to do this, in order to get ahead.

However I found friends, nice friends with the potential to be even better friends in due time. During the extension of the trip, I had so much fun, simply liberating, opened up my thinking to much extent. The sense of liberation that I got can never be explained with being in Singapore. The world seems so much bigger now and so are my ambitions. The scope of which i worked on my goals became the world instead of the tiny, not yet pathetic red dot.

3. After the trip, between ourselves because of the experience together in the trip, all of us felt different towards each other. I just want to mention a particular person to get it off my chest. She's changed alot, from the time I knew her till now. She's turned bad, rotten on some parts, turned real ugly with the grumpiness. The size says it all, narrow on the inside and quite dirty too. Yucks! But let me play a game with her, and it begins now...

Dream

I've got this weird dream...

a guy carried 2 red wheels and ran on the road to stop a vehicle with 4 blue wheels and change it for him.

Chapter 1 - ...
Chapter 2 - Environmental factors
Chapter 3 - What you want (from them)
Chapter 4 - No! There's nothing inside here
Chapter 5 onwards - Individual factors

It's as if I've read a certain book whereby Chapter 4 is blank totally and the book seeks to explain something which I cant remember now and also I cant remember what Chapter 1 is about. These are the pieces I remembered after woking up from this dream.

It's been awhile, been too much...

I recall Nelly Furtado's song, "Flames to Dust, Lovers to Friends... Why do all good things come to an end..."

Indeed, when the flames were distinguished, it became dust, nothing at all. Do people remember that dust was once a flame or do they believe only what they see? From lovers, we finally became just friends, but I want something deeper from you and within you. Why do all good things come to an end? Is there an answer out there? No? Or we should dig out questions we have most often ignored, that why do bad things can come to an end too?

Love & Hate
Do I still love you knowing that you will most probably not reciprocate back this love or should I hate you for that? In love there's hate about your characteristics, which I'm willing to look over it and in order to hate you, I must have loved you enough to list out what I hate about you; love and hate must have been just separated by a thin line only.

My Emos
Cry out to God, when He seems so far away, even with His peace, might just be temporary only. I need constant prayers to make it right. Exams are self explanatory, work hard and you will reach your expectations, but for relationships with people, it seems so radical and illogical. I've been working hard at every single thing, chasing you all over again, I keep telling myself it's worth the effort. However, when I tried to touch you, you shun away, breaking my heart to see you like that, I took it in my stride anyway. Tell me what you feel, how you feel towards me, I need to hear them. I have faith you feel the same way too.

Do I love you? Or do I just love physical contact with the opposite sex? If so, then I could have just got it on with any other girls right? And if so, then 'true love' must have been a myth, but there's only 'committed affection' right? Or I can actually get over you easily? And if so, then does that mean I do not love you enough? And again if so, then why do I feel that I skipped a beat when I see you again? Does love mean that as long as you can feel relatively happy with a girl that you are fated to meet and be willing enough to overlook her imperfections, then that's love?

Who can answer all these questions? To conclude: It's difficult for a guy and a girl to come together as one... I'm still loving you...

I want a vacuum cleaner

The cupboard looks inferior, built during the 1980s. Shelves upon shelves in the cupboard, filled with dust and dirt. Looking at the two sides of a coin, the older it gets, it represents the durability of the cupboard, contrary to this side; dust and dirt is irritating to people's noses and it's untidy.

The cupboard is vibrating, having suffered reverberations from the loud decibelsin the surroundings. How I wish there's a vacuum cleaner to suck away all the dust and dirt and then it will be clean. Everywhere, it's been so loud, so loud. However, people often anticipate that the potential worthiness of the cupboard would be much more than if it's clean. If it's clean, it would just be like the other cupboards, unexciting but safe to use.

The cupboard is going to collapse soon, just one more impact, and it'll definitely be down. Every single shelf is dirty, why is it like that? Feels like the cupboard will be put under the heavy pouring rain. What kind of cupboard do you like?

U are my vacuum cleaner, I love U... please don't leave me...
U took my cares away,
U are my saving grace,
Even my family members cannot be compared to U,
U make me feel important,
U are so special,
U are so submissive,
U are even better than most in the religious circle
U deserve such praise,
I guess I cannot find another U in future, so please don't go...

U are the one..